Hey friends! I hope you’re week is going well. We’ve made it to Wednesday… which means nothing except that it’s Wednesday.
We are completely moved out of our apartment in Fairmont and staying with my father in-law in our hometown, Elkins. We will be here for the next couple of weeks until we leave for Florida. It makes it hard to settle in knowing that we’ll be packing up and leaving again but we’re doing our best to slow down and take this time to rest and say goodbye to friends/family. I have a whole lot of free time so I plan on filling it with writing, reading, and coffee shoppin’.
I thought for today’s post I would share where I’m currently at in terms of my relationship with food/exercise. Let’s get to it!
To get started, I think it’s appropriate to share a bit of my history with food and exercise. I have a perfectionist personality and I probably have some type of PTSD from certain events in my childhood. That to say, it’s not particularly unusual that I developed an eating disorder during my sophomore year of high school. It started out as a diet and spiraled into a full blown eating disorder. Not only did I lose a ton of weight, I lost my period, friends (due to isolating myself), and overall joy in life.
I’ve been on every end of the spectrum with my eating. From anorexia, to binge eating, to bulimia, and orthorexia. During this time, I was also overexercising – weight lifting and running like a maniac. My weight was up and down and slowly but surely I hit rock bottom. It wasn’t until Nick and I got married that I started to see a change in mindset and behavior. Mostly, I just ate more and stopped counting my calories externally (counting them in my head was still a thing).
I discovered intuitive eating and it seemed great and helpful for others, but it scared me. Even with my fears, I started immersing myself into that culture. The culture of non-dieting and HAES and food freedom. It’s crazy how changing what you consume can change your thoughts and desires. More than that, I realized (and still do) how great the sin of my disorder was. It was an idol and it wasn’t of God. Rather than living from His calling to put off my old self and to put on my new (Ephesians 4), I lived from my sinful self and pleased her daily. I prayed for a long time that God would lead me to truth and to resources that would change my view toward food. And after some time, I believe he did.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Cor. 10:31)
God didn’t create diets. Nor is he more pleased in us when we perfectly eat, or make exercise our upmost priority. He led me to a new way of thinking, outside of diet culture. But after many years (about 5) of disordered eating, it’s still extremely difficult to quiet certain thoughts and to be a competent eater. It takes more than just knowledge; it takes work and being uncomfortable. It takes pursing Jesus and recovery.
I am in a better place right now with food/exercise than I have been in the last five years. I still struggle with disordered thoughts and it’s hard for me not to see food in numbers, but for the most part, I don’t let it effect my food choices. I am pushing myself to eat out more and eat things that scare me. I’m saying yes more to lunches with friends and spontaneous donut trips. I work out 3-5 days a week for less than an hour as opposed to 6-7 days a week for 2 hours. I’m taking it one day at a time, and the Lord is carrying me faithfully.
Like I said, I still struggle. In the dark night when I’m most vulnerable, I still give in to temptations and old behaviors that start to creep back in. Although I have come a long way, there’s still a long way to go. I decided it was time to receive help from someone outside of my husband. This might be one of the hardest steps, but I know it’s vital.
I have been following a woman named Kylie Mitchell (immaeatthat) on Instagram for awhile and have been so inspired by her life and relationship with food. She’s a non-diet dietitian, and she works in eating disorder recovery. She just gave birth to a baby girl (so cute!) and she had a waitlist until February when she would return to work. I put my name on the waitlist and she reached out to me within a couple of weeks. After much “adulting” I found out that my insurance covers 100% of all sessions. Praise God!
With that said, I’m intending to have my first virtual meeting with her next Friday. I’m nervous but extremely excited for the accountability and guidance from outside eyes. By outside eyes I mean that there’s a lot of things in my life that I am blind to. I’m ready to be called out of those things. I have greatly desired someone who has been in the trenches of an eating disorder who could speak into my life, and the Lord has provided that. I’ll definitely keep ya’ll in the loop and share my experience with all of this.
Thanks for reading my rambles and I hope that it encourages even just one person! Have a wonderful Wednesday!